Dear North Korea,
Here are 10 reasons you should postpone your rocket launch.
10. It’s too cold outside to watch a rocket launch– It’s cold in Seoul this winter. I wouldn’t even go outside to meet a naked girl with chicken wings. It must be freezing for the under-clothed, starving, rural North Koreans. Not feeding them is sad enough, but providing them with an explosion they won’t enjoy or watch (too cold outside) is unusually cruel. You should wait until it gets warmer to launch the rocket.
9. South Korea blocked all the good porn sites- Actually, this is a good reason for you to launch a faulty rocket. If we can’t look at porn in South Korea, explosions from crappy rockets are the next best thing.
8. Wait to master agriculture and public transportation before attempting to master space– Your citizens won’t be impressed with a rocket launch until they have “things” like “cars” and “food.” If my country could launch a rocket, but I could only get to work by walking; I’d be pretty pissed off. North Koreans would rather eat food and drive cars than have a “space program.” (Transportation outside the capital [even bicycles] is rare.)
7. Spice-up the Launch Date – There are other dates available besides the Great Leader’s (Kim Ill Sung) birthday. This is such a cliché rocket launch for your country. Spice it up and change the dates. I hear national holidays, wedding anniversaries and graduation ceremonies are good days for rocket launches. Maybe you could even show your romantic side and wait until Valentine’s Day. Do you want to go international? Launch the rocket during Hanukkah and help celebrate the festival of lights.
6 . Wait Until the Hotel of Doom is Open – You slowly built the Ryugyong Hotel over 26 years. Congratulations, it’s on par with the worst hotels in Vegas and has been described as “hideously ugly, even by communist standards.” Why not wait a little longer for the hotel’s completion and allow citizens to watch the rocket explode from the bare, concrete interior of the top floor.
5. South Korean Children Won’t Care- If you are trying to make an impression on your neighbor to the South, I hate to inform you that the children of South Korea won’t care. They are too busy studying or playing Ani-pang, Dragon Flight and Bounceball. Want to hear a joke? Do you know the difference between Bounceball and a North Korean Rocket? The ball in Bounceball actually goes where you tell it to go.
4. Weight Loss– Having the image of your country rest upon one rocket launch causes stress for a leader and too much stress contributes to weight gain. By delaying the launch, your leader, Kim Jung Un, will avoid stress and possibly lose weight. By losing weight, people around the world will just think he’s evil, not fat. Hey, at least it’s an improvement.
3. Wait until South Korea lights the DMZ Christmas Tree Again – South Korea decided not to light the tree this year, but they might next year. We all know how much this tree annoys you. Nothing says Democracy, evil capitalism, or “psychological warfare” like a glowing, giant, tree on your southern border. If you want to send a message, wait until South Korea relights the Christmas tree and then explode your rocket in the air. The tree won’t look so bright anymore. Psychological warfare advantage- North Korea.
2. Wait until the announcement of the cancellation of Final Fantasy 13 Versus – Seriously, we’ve been eagerly awaiting this game since 2008. It looks so amazing that when Square Enix finally tells us the truth and cancels the game, it will be an epic letdown. By waiting until this day, no one will care if your rocket fails. I mean, look at how awesome this game looks.
1. Wait to get support from America– Since the rocket will likely explode, at least wait until the Fourth of July. Americans love explosions and patriotism. Maybe some will support your rocket if you blow it up on the right day. . .probably not.
(update – North Korea reported a successful rocket launch December 12, 2012. 12/12/12- You have to at least enjoy the date. The US will look to push for more sanctions but I doubt China will give in. Even as an American, I don’t want further sanctions on North Korea. Unfortunately, the more we punish their government the more we allow innocent civilians to die from starvation and a strained economy. There are reports that the rocket launch was to help calm domestic instability. Let’s hope that’s true. The best hope for North Korea is for their people to rise up and overthrow the regime. )
Good Reads on North and South Korea